Questions from an Empty Nester in a New Land

When the kids finally left home, many questions came to my mind ~

What does it mean to be a “mother” now?

What does it mean to be a “father” now?

What does it mean to be a married couple now after all these years?

What’s our purpose now in life? 

What’s next?…….. For me?….. For you?….. For us?

Who am I now?……feels like a new adolescence, sort of.

Is this the end of me?…………Or the beginning of a NEW me?

What’s around the unknown curve?……new horizons look foggy now…

Will anyone want to hear what I have to say now?

Am I “too old” to be respected and heard?

Or

Am I finally “old enough” to be respected and heard for all I have learned & experienced?

Without questions, there are no answers. I’m learning to hold these uncomfortable questions, trusting the answers will come in their own time.

I tell myself it’s OK to feel adrift in new, uncharted waters.

Image How else will I discover new lands?

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“HOW TO STOP BEING BULLIED” ~ January 23 ~ Free Workshop

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New Year Reflections ~

Well, we made it through the holidays! I was going to write about dealing with holiday stress, but I guess I was too stressed and too busy to write about it! Hope you weren’t expecting it. Like the holidays, we tend to have high expectations of “the most wonderful time of the year” that often fall short.

To tell you the truth, after the tragedy at a school in Connecticut on Dec. 14th, I had a hard time knowing what to write. It left me stunned, not knowing what to do. Hard to talk about “holiday stress” when such a huge tragedy strikes. All I could think about was the deep pain and sorrow the parents and children and teachers of Newtown were experiencing. I did post helpful tips for parents on Facebook and I wrote a letter to the President. What did you do? How will we help people grieve this huge loss? How will we prevent this from happening again? It is complicated with no easy quick solutions.

I received an email from a young father (and bully expert) who has two young boys, ages 3 and 5. His name is Brooks Gibbs and he sent me a very moving video about what he’s doing to help the people of Newtown, where this tragedy occurred.

Please watch this short documentary that tells the story of the work he is doing. It’s very inspiring and gives you hope that there is a way through all this grief and sorrow if we’re willing to talk about it.
http://NewtownSpeaks.org

I will be leading a free workshop at the YMCA this month about “Dealing with Bullying: How to Empower the Victim”.  It’s a different approach that has been very effective. If you’d like more information or would like to attend, please click on “Upcoming Workshops” or email me at Lmartenspeaks@yahoo.com

I hope your New Year will be full of enough joy to keep you happy and enough challenges to keep you humble and make you strong.

Remember as Ghandi once said: “BE the change you wish to see in the world” and this especially applies to parents (BE the example for your kids to follow). Tall order I know, and worth the effort. Maybe the best example is that we are willing to keep learning, especially from our mistakes.

Happy New Year! Be gentle to yourself.

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Let it Snow! (sip cocoa, read, and watch it snow!)

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Maybe that’s a good mantra for parents as they weather the ups and downs of parenthood.  As the song goes, …”The weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. As long as you love me so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”  It seems we can survive just about anything if there is some love in our lives, someone who cares.  It’s easy to forget that we are social creatures. We need each other.  (Maybe that’s why it’s easier for me to exercise with a friend, than by myself!) So, the attitude of “let it snow”, means we can survive any storm, any situation, better together than alone. (Hurricane Sandy is a good example of people coming together to survive better together than alone.)

I know the holidays are often stressful. Our lives don’t always match the happiness we think we “should” feel this time of year. So even if you are going through hard times right now, (and for many of us the holidays bring back painful memories of the past), take time out for yourself this holiday season to be in the present and enjoy the beauty of Nature, the lights, the music, the food, the friendship(s). If you’re feeling lonely, reach out to an old friend. You might just make their day. Sometimes taking a “contrary action”, like calling an old friend, can get us out of feeling stuck with old feelings of the past or fears about the future. The key is to stay in the present.  I know it’s easier said than done. So the next time you’re out and about, take a moment to observe little kids or elderly people. Notice how they enjoy life more because they focus on the here and now……..Perhaps that’s the best gift you can give yourself & your loved ones this holiday season, being present here and now, open to receive the gifts of the present moment.

…..More about holiday stress & expectations in my next post.

Until then….. take a moment now to relax, breath……. let go……. and let it snow…..          (Hope you enjoyed the “snow” on my blog today.)

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How do you Culivate Gratitude in Hard Times?

This is supposed to be the season of giving thanks, of Thanks-giving. We encourage our children to be grateful. But are we grateful? How can we be grateful after great loss or death or change that shakes our world?  What if you just lost your job or found out you have cancer? What if you depend on food stamps to feed your kids and the government just cut them in time for the holidays?

I can be mad about the injustice and sorrow of this world or I can decide to do my part to “Be the change I wish to see in the world” as Gandhi said.  I can choose to be kind when others are mean. I can remember “hurt people hurt people”.
I just watched a very moving video where people in Russia in the severe cold of winter still made time to help each other; little acts like helping someone’s car stuck in the snow or helping an old lady cross the street, etc. It’s on my Facebook page or you can look it up on YouTube, “Russian video that made the whole world cry” http://www.youtube.com

Act as if “, a wise old woman reminds me. Write 5 gratitudes before bed, even though you may not “feel” like it.  I tried it and I am amazed every time of the power of gratitude to shift my thinking.

Then there are those days when you & I lose perspective and can’t think of anything for which to be grateful.  That’s when doing the opposite works.  I think of all the things that I’m grateful did not happen today: The toilet didn’t overflow. We didn’t have an earthquake or a tsunami here in Los Angeles. I didn’t have car problems or an accident. I didn’t lose my home. None of my loved ones died.  I don’t have cancer or heart problems. The cat didn’t barf today….    This often gets me laughing and gratitude & perspective return once again. (You might try doing this with your kids, like a game to see how many things they can think of.)

Then there are those times where nothing seems to help and we need to just be where we are & feel what we are feeling. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do, to accept life as it is now and lean into the cold wind that bites our cheeks. Amazingly, when I stop resisting and fighting the pain of how things are, it hurts less.  This is true physically as well as emotionally. Breath. Relax. Just Be. Solitude is good for the soul.

Remember, we are social creatures. We need each other. Ask for help. Seek support. Don’t carry your burdens alone.  You’ll find out you’re not alone. We all have something we are struggling with.  Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides.

Humor can be a great relief  from our sorrows and difficulties. Watch a comedy and take a break from it all. Laughter is great medicine. It releases natural endorphins that make us feel happy for awhile.
Try Tim Conway‘s “Speedo Airlines” from the old Carol Burnette Show. It’s hilarious.

If you have a hard time getting to sleep, try saying gratitudes for every letter of the alphabet.  For example, A for Apples, Apple pie, Air to breath; B for Beauty, a Bed, Books; C my Cat, my Car, my Children……….   Before you know it you’ll be asleep.

Have a grateful Thanksgiving.

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Save the Date: Wed. eve, January 23, 2013, FREE Parent Workshop

Start the New Year right with a Parent Workshop!

Thanks to the Westchester YMCA, I will be presenting a free parent workshop at the YMCA Annex (that nice building behind the Y, formerly Jr. Women’s Club site).

TOPIC: Teasing and Bullying (how to empower the victim to stop the bullying)

Time:  6:30pm to 7:30pm on January 23, 2013

 

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The “Empty Nest Syndrome”

When my kids started leaving the nest, I asked an older mother with grown kids,        “What does the mother bird do when her babies leave the nest?” (I was on retreat and had been watching a bird nest outside my … Continue reading

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